The Ultimate List?

My mother says you know it's the right person when you feel stronger with that person, when they lift you up and you lift them up in a way that isn't possible without them. My boss wrote a list of must and must nots put it in a drawer and found it years later only to see that her husband had all but two qualities on that list. Love in a feeling hard to define or explain. Qualities, however, can be pinpointed. And they can help clarify muddy situations and confusing feelings regarding the inexplicable "love". She said I should make a list. She said it helps to focus wants and needs to have things written out, and then sent out into the open. So I did. It's not complete because it's late and i'm tired, but it's a good starting point. *deep breath* here i go...

MUST:
- be completely honest with me at all times, even if i don't want to hear it or it's scary for him/me
- be mature, intelligent and respectful
- be kind to people/have a genuine love of people
- be sympathetic and helpful to others
- have an open mind and accepting nature
- "have his shit together"
- have an appreciation of movies and music
- be able to have long talks with me into the wee hours of the night
- like random, unique, fun moments-- like dancing in the rain or taking meals to go to eat outside in the sun, even if it means sitting on the hood of the car because a park isn't around
- make me laugh
- love kids--not that he wants to have them himself, but still likes them
- be a nerd
- give me butterflies
- lovingly stroke my hair or brush it off it my face from time to time
- get my pop culture references
- have great social ability and tact
- get along with my friends and family
- have confidence in himself and his abilities/have a healthy level of self esteem
- teach me things, open my eyes to new things
- hold me tight when we sleep
- accept me and all my flaws, but also motivate me to be a better person by not being afraid to keep me in check when i need it
- allow me my independence
- be okay with my having a lot of close male friends
- trust me completely (I will never give him a reason not to)
- be a good kisser
- see and appreciate the beauty in life
- appreciate the little things
- find my quirks endearing, even if i'm annoyed with them in myself
- love me
- give me a sense of peace, belonging and comfort when i'm with him
- have that spark with me-- that unexplainable connection that bonds us

MUST NOT:
- be overly possessive, jealous or controlling
- abuse substances- have meanness in him
- settle for less than he is capable of accomplishing
- evade issues and feelings
- make me feel cheap, unwanted, taken for granted or used
- be overly cynical and/or pessimistic
- be wreckless with my heart

I wonder who wouldn't want this stuff? I mean, if everyone wrote a list... how similar would they all look?

SXSW

The festival was amazing! The entire week was hectic because I had 7 people drop in town on top of volunteering for the music part of SXSW which amounted in maybe 4 hours of sleep per night all week. However I got to meet several wonderful, kind people and enjoy their performances, too! Some of the best were Ben Harper, British Sea Power, Tom Morello, The Soundtrack of Our Lives, SYME, Bryan Scary and the Shredding Tears, Janeane Garofalo, Lewis Black, Har Mar Superstar and The Vampire Weekend. ALL these bands are worth checking out and all of them consist of super nice people! I was very impressed with Bryan Scary and the Shredding Tears though, because of their throwback to old rock and concept albums. It was very Pink Floyd in the way it was rock that told a story and used awesome sound effects to add dimension to the sound. There was also this fabulous band from Detroit, but I missed the beginning of the set where they introduced themselves so I don't have their name! I've been Googling to try and find it.

Now that spring break is over, and Spring Break provided no time for me to devote to school, I am super behind on school work. I have tomorrow and Monday off work (yay Catholic holidays) so I can hopefully get caught up.

My oh my, I miss working backstage. Energy, nice people and awesome music... it was heaven =)

Miiicheal

I know I just posted but I'm watching a movie and I think it's important to note that

THE LOST BOYS IS ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME.

I mean seriously, Jack Bauer leads a gang of teen vamps, including Bill S. Preston, Esquire ,who are ultimately defeated by the Cories all in true 1980s punk style. Pure. Genious.

I will see the sequel, knowing full well it will probably suck, if only for my love of the first.

Jessy the Demon Slayer

I am so confused. Why do things always move so quickly? I NEVER intend for them too and I ALWAYS take things as they come slowly and yet things always end up getting emotionally heavy.

Every guy I've ever been romantically involved with has mentioned marriage or a "forever" with me (though in one case he and his friends would always just joke about it so I don't much take that one seriously). Yet, only one of those boys committed to me with an official, exclusive title of boyfriend. And in the end all of them did pretty shitty things that completely hurt me. How is it someone can tell me they picture a forever but then still want to keep things open and/or hurt me in such mean ways? Do I give the wrong impression in always just letting things develop as they come? Are they all just players in the end?

It sucks. They will fall. Then I will fall and when I do it's like the reality of the situation becomes too much for them and they run, breaking my heart entirely (not to mention making me completely weary of ever opening up myself like that again).

Now he's writing me poems and telling me things that are all so sweet that I almost cry. He said I help him slay his demons. I, for some reason, give him this inner peace he can't find anywhere else. It's touching but it's too heavy. I'm not ready for heavy. I wish I could say that I won't let the past effect the present but I do. Especially when he's a part of a past that hurt me.

I understand how much he cares but I'm just so... confused. I don't want a repeat of my pattern and I'm not sure where I stand at all so his feelings are just too much right now.

I'm tired of talking/typing/thinking about this. Fin.

I heart nerds

I said our help call should be "kaloo-ka-kuuu" and as it fell silent for a second I felt that I am a nerd alone in this world and no one will ever get my humor, leaving me to forever feel that I don't quite fit in. Then he responded back "Okay, Patty". Whew. I felt happy because my friends are all nerds as well and it makes this world a happy place to live in.

P.S. The reference is from Doug

I have come to the realization that my life is a postmodern hap-dash of referencing pop culture way too often.

Holy crap, I'm Family Guy.

I know it's important to remember...

... but sometimes don't you just wish you could forget?

(for your sake, I hope you don't agree)

A Taxidermist walks into a bar...

Okay-- so I'm at my last day of my internship (for this Disney TV show being filmed in the ATX) and the Taxidermy Man calls again. Who is this man, you ask? Good question. The Taxidermy man is Alex, and he's obsessed with one of our set designers. We needed a stuffed fish for an episode and she picked one up at a local Taxidermy place (apparently they exist in abudance around here, yet I have never seen a single shop in all my Texas wandering). I push papers around and answer phones when we're not filming so I get his calls-- and he calls a lot. Our set designer is just so pretty he felt he had to use the production company's number to try and woo her. She has a boyfriend and is not interested in being wooed by Taxidermy Man, so I basically put him on hold for half a minute while I fiddle around on the computer then pick the phone back up and tell him something like "Oh I can't find her" or "We're rolling and she's busy". Then I pretend to take down his number and hang up. It's been a month--the man is stubborn and clueless. It got me wondering how he would woo her, though? "You look purty enough to stuff and hang on my wall." "I'd like to stuff you like I stuff my animals!" And so on. Creepy. This probably tops my stalking situations, but those stories are for another time as I must go.

Great, what now?

My last semester at school: The feeling is pure joy as I am close to being out of this crazy schedule forever. But once I graduate... what do I do?

I've narrowed my options down to three, but I'm having a really tough time picking one. I realize every senior gets to this point, and knowing myself, I'll be 50 and still trying to figure it out. Maybe an option four I've never before considered will pop up too in the coming months. Ah, confusion.

Option 1: Stay right where I am: Nanny and After School Care Director.
Pros: More than enough money to live off of for right now; The father offered me a job within his company when Tess gets too old for a nanny; I can keep working with children which is gratifying to the "soul" (I put that in quotes because I just mean that inner sense of well-being and joy it gives) because that's just who I am; The family I nanny for is pleasant to work for; I love the children; they are constantly helping me out with my health costs which is super loving of them and gives me some sense of security; I get to stay in Austin
Cons: Catholic school bureaucracy; not really interested in real estate investment (the dad's company); no mobility in job status; some days I get tired of playing mommy and feel 43 rather than 23 years of age; feeling that my degree is somewhat being wasted or that i'm not living up to my potential; I can only do these jobs for a few more years and then they expire (kids, after all, do grow up)

Option 2: Work in the Entertainment Biz
Pros: I've worked hard for four and a half long years to get a degree toward this; It could mean a lot of travel opporunities; I've always wanted to do this; I love being around creativity and energy-- it's good for the "soul"
Cons: Sucky and expensive health coverage or no coverage; long hours and crazy schedule not good for my health problems; job-to-job instead of steady pay; no guarantee of moving up to better jobs; may not be cut-throat (or okay with dishonesty) enough to succeed (don't "got what it takes")

Option 3: Peace Corps or other Humanitarian work
Pros: Will completely fufill my "soul"; It means a lot of travel; Exposure to other cultures; Average health care coverage; Inspiring and fulfilling experiences unique to helping people
Cons: May not be near modern medical facility; Away from my friends and family with possibly minimal means of contact; Just enough money to live off of which makes my medical costs higher

I realise this is a decision I must make on my own. But the only advice I've gotten so far has been pretty good "Worse-case scenario you'll work whatever job comes to you, be it in your major or retail, and you get to stay in Austin with all your friends in a city you love-- how bad is that?"

True that. :P

Peek-a-boo! I see you!

I am a mad-crazy people-watcher. Any free moment I have where I'm not listening to music, I'm people-watching. I absolutely love observing the nuances of people going about their day. It's charming. Of course, the blissful observations usually end abrubtly as I get caught watching. What follows is one of three things:

1. The person is sufficiently creeped out and darts a weird look at me.

2. The person raises eyebrows in a way to emote "your place or mine?" This reaction has gotten me into trouble many a time.

3. They pretend their eyes didn't meet mine because they were probably people-watching too. I call for an international people-watching sign akin to a sort of secret handshake. Some sort of way to convey with subtlety, "No sweat fellow observer. Keep on keeping on."

Anyyyywayyy, that's my random thought with no real conclusion or purpose.

Say what now?

That's the procedure? The needle is how long? Oh fuck no. Uh uh. I don't want to do it.

I'm at such a weird place with this. I always fear the worst and I know I shouldn't. And part of me wants to talk to my friends about it while the other part wants to keep it silent. I don't want to lay my problems on anyone and I don't want to be weak and whine. I just can't gauge how I should be reacting to any health situation anymore. I know I will eventually just suck it up and do it like a woman if it's decided it has to be done. I also know there is no way I'm a part of that tiny percentage of life-threatening cases... but for now, just for now, I'm a little scared. =/

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

A lot of things may bog me down but I am surrounded by such amazing friends and family which gives me the sense everything will be okay. There are several instances that I get this wonderful sense of comfort and content with these people and life just becomes clear.

double u tee eff

In the grocery store line I noticed Brittany Spears was on the cover of four magazines. What the fuck? Are we not in a war? Are we not in the middle of presidential primaries? What is wrong with journalism and why does society crave trash media to the extent that it does? Bah!

Moving slightly off topic--I would hope bad news about people sells only because it's a deviation from the norm, not because it is the norm itself.

What some good guitar riffs can do

. Today I was driving, looking at beautiful blue skies and listening to Stevie Ray on the radio and I felt my stress just melt away. It's a perfect balance because I feel in control behind the wheel and yet at the same time I can let go. The combination of sunny days and Stevie Ray always do this for me and these are my favorite moments in the day (though Hendrix and Claptin also work).

P.S. Blood tests are pretty much what I expected. Not good but not the worst it could be either.

What's up, Doc?

The doctor called. I missed it. He left a message that said we had to talk about my blood test results. My first feeling was something was wrong, followed by relief--a relief that something could be wrong. Relief because I would be forced into a hospital, forced to rest. I don't have to juggle three jobs and school and trying to please everyone and myself. They could all fuck off and I could just get some rest.

I talk to the doctor tomorrow. I'm sure everything is just fine; 90% sure even. I'm glad everything is going to be just fine. I'm more concerned that I was relieved at the thought that it might not be.