I am so confused. Why do things always move so quickly? I NEVER intend for them too and I ALWAYS take things as they come slowly and yet things always end up getting emotionally heavy.
Every guy I've ever been romantically involved with has mentioned marriage or a "forever" with me (though in one case he and his friends would always just joke about it so I don't much take that one seriously). Yet, only one of those boys committed to me with an official, exclusive title of boyfriend. And in the end all of them did pretty shitty things that completely hurt me. How is it someone can tell me they picture a forever but then still want to keep things open and/or hurt me in such mean ways? Do I give the wrong impression in always just letting things develop as they come? Are they all just players in the end?
It sucks. They will fall. Then I will fall and when I do it's like the reality of the situation becomes too much for them and they run, breaking my heart entirely (not to mention making me completely weary of ever opening up myself like that again).
Now he's writing me poems and telling me things that are all so sweet that I almost cry. He said I help him slay his demons. I, for some reason, give him this inner peace he can't find anywhere else. It's touching but it's too heavy. I'm not ready for heavy. I wish I could say that I won't let the past effect the present but I do. Especially when he's a part of a past that hurt me.
I understand how much he cares but I'm just so... confused. I don't want a repeat of my pattern and I'm not sure where I stand at all so his feelings are just too much right now.
I'm tired of talking/typing/thinking about this. Fin.
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